Three Shots at Happiness

Dear Alex,

I want to tell you about three women I loved. None of them worked out, but I wish they did. My life would be drastically different, but some choices are not up to us nor can we control how other people feel. Timing and the little things in life are all all factors in love. Your choices are half chance anyway.

H was the first. We met (not at) while in college. She went to UCLA, like your Dad, but they didn't know each other. She was a few years younger. She was smart, kind, and pretty. We dated for a bit over a year. She was about 4 years younger than me, so we were at different points in our lives when we split. I knew I could spend my life with her - I don't think she felt the same. Fast forward a few years later and we started dating again, this time long distance - I was up north, she was back in LA. After a few months I told her I wanted more, but I was just a fling and reminded her of good memories, or so I believed. I looked her up less than a year after we split for the last time - she was married. I remember the day I looked over at H when she popped into my car. I noticed the light hitting her hair and her smiling at me. It felt wonderful, warm, and I was in love. I knew it then, I told myself I could spend my life with her. But it some things weren't meant to happen.

Not too long after (or maybe it was a while later) I met W, but let's talk about her last. A year or two (or four?) later I met M. We met online as people do these days. I was at the tail end of 30 and I knew she was awesome the first minute we started talking. She too was attractive, at least to me. But more than that she was quick witted and full of energy. We dated for like 5 months or so, but during that time I was the happiest I'd been in years. She was so active and was really social. We spoke of all things, she made me laugh. I wanted to be with her, until she abruptly told me one day she didn't. It was one of the more difficult things I've had to hear. She told me, "we had some good times" but that wasn't enough. Her's were practical problems, living with me wasn't working for her. I wanted to make it work, but I thought if what she wanted wasn't me...there couldn't be a 'we'. And that was that.

Years ago, it doesn't really matter when exactly, but I think it was June of 2009 I met W at work. She and I actually had mutual friends. She was always dating someone. But a couple years later, she wasn't. She had an infectious personality, quirky and funny. I thought she was beautiful. We could talk (and did) for hours. At the end of one evening I boldly (for me) just bluntly said, "I want to take you out on a date" (paraphrasing, but the idea is the same). She said yes and I was just excited beyond belief, until 2 am when I got an email from her. She wanted to be friends. At the time I struggled with the request, but eventually acquiesced. To me she was awesome, but at some point I think it was easier to not see her. At one point a friend confided that W was ready to start dating and possibly it was just a timing situation with me. I couldn't get her out of my head, so I did the same thing, but she was very upfront as well - she didn't feel the same, but wanted to be friends. I needed time. But after thinking about it, I realized that I couldn't be friends with her. I wanted more. I always have and probably always will. I cut ties with her. I've never really clicked so much with anyone else. When you hear about fireworks or crappy love songs and they suddenly make sense, you know. I used to wonder when you would know, but after meeting W - I knew. I know. It's also why I can meet great women, but it just doesn't click. It's not that I'm comparing other women to W, everyone is different, but it's that we don't seem to click.

There's the highlights son, maybe over a bottle of whiskey one day, we'll talk about love and how it's been good to you.

-GFE

Life Pro Tip #1

Dear Alex,

If you live long enough, wisdom is mostly just experience. Hence, Life Pro Tip #1 - Show up for stuff. That's it. A key factor in being successful, show up. It's obvious and maybe a bit esoteric, but it's true. Showing up for stuff correlates well with "you can't win what you don't risk". It applies to so much in life too, work, friends, and relationships.

tl;dr - Be on time for stuff

-GFE

Bridges can burn

Dear Alex,

People say that you shouldn't burn bridges, I'd really prefer it if you didn't burn things at all. Unless it's a mutant spider, then you should set fire to that thing and run. Okay, I've written to you about a few things that have weighed on my mind and in my heart, but here's something that you should keep in the periphery - we're social creatures. That means all the human things that come with it, implied or not.

When I was younger I think I wanted to see everything in black and white, but as I've said before, the world is filled with many grays. Sometimes things don't work like you expect or how they should.

Jobs, business, and well most things are based on a human, social connection. It's tempting to sometimes say "<bleep> this, I'm out", but maybe that's just me. Keeping an eye for the larger picture will hopefully help you keep an even keel, but know that sometimes you can't take back words. They will damage even metaphorical bridges beyond repair.

So Alex - be careful, but there are times you need to light the fire and not look back. Trust your decision and don't worry about the "what if's", your choices are half chance anyway.

-GFE

A Little Forgiveness

Dear Alex,

I am human, I've made a lot of mistakes in my time on this earth. Some big, but many many small mistakes. It felt like I made another today. It's nothing big, but I feel bad for uttering a question that made another person feel bad. In any case, in the grand design of things this is as insignificant as it gets, but I still feel bad about it. Sometimes you can't apologize for these things because the opportunity is gone or social norms prevent us from just doing so.

As people, we dwell on things far longer than we should. The point I'm badly trying to make is that these transgressions need to be forgiven, by yourself. Learn from it and try to not do it again. Your intentions are coming from a good place, remember that.

-GFE

"hoy por ti, mañana por mi"

Dear Alex,

I read a lot of stuff on the internet (the web? the net? they used to call this the information super highway, yeah I dunno what that was about), lots of crap, but some of it is good, really good.  Before that it was newspapers and magazines and sometimes books. But yeah, back to the topic at hand. I hope you are everything I've imagined and more, but I want to challenge you to be better than me, better than even who you are. I read this story a while back and it's stuck with me. I read it again last night and it just hit me like a wall.

Today I was driving down the highway and I saw an older guy walking down the side of the road. I pulled over and found him trying to cross the freeway. He said he didn't need the help, but I offered him a ride anyway. It wasn't far, but he was grateful. Hell, I would be - getting stuck is just shitty all around after your car breaks down. In any case, he introduced himself - Jose. We made some small talk, but I dropped him off to wait for his daughter. Small things can sometimes help.

Back to the story I read. Be kind. The world is a rough place and it needs more people to show compassion and empathy. And maybe stop once in a while. Don't be afraid to help. This is the story I read:

"Just about every time I see someone I stop. I kind of got out of the habit in the last couple of years, moved to a big city and all that, my girlfriend wasn't too stoked on the practice. Then some shit happened to me that changed me and I am back to offering rides habitually. If you would indulge me, it is long story and has almost nothing to do with hitch hiking other than happening on a road.

This past year I have had 3 instances of car trouble. A blow out on a freeway, a bunch of blown fuses and an out of gas situation. All of them were while driving other people's cars which, for some reason, makes it worse on an emotional level. It makes it worse on a practical level as well, what with the fact that I carry things like a jack and extra fuses in my car, and know enough not to park, facing downhill, on a steep incline with less than a gallon of fuel.
Anyway, each of these times this shit happened I was DISGUSTED with how people would not bother to help me. I spent hours on the side of the freeway waiting, watching roadside assistance vehicles blow past me, for AAA to show. The 4 gas stations I asked for a gas can at told me that they couldn't loan them out "for my safety" but I could buy a really shitty 1-gallon one with no cap for $15. It was enough, each time, to make you say shit like "this country is going to hell in a handbasket."

But you know who came to my rescue all three times? Immigrants. Mexican immigrants. None of them spoke a lick of the language. But one of those dudes had a profound affect on me.

He was the guy that stopped to help me with a blow out with his whole family of 6 in tow. I was on the side of the road for close to 4 hours. Big jeep, blown rear tire, had a spare but no jack. I had signs in the windows of the car, big signs that said NEED A JACK and offered money. No dice. Right as I am about to give up and just hitch out there a van pulls over and dude bounds out. He sizes the situation up and calls for his youngest daughter who speaks english. He conveys through her that he has a jack but it is too small for the Jeep so we will need to brace it. He produces a saw from the van and cuts a log out of a downed tree on the side of the road. We rolled it over, put his jack on top, and bam, in business. I start taking the wheel off and, if you can believe it, I broke his tire iron. It was one of those collapsible ones and I wasn't careful and I snapped the head I needed clean off. Fuck.

No worries, he runs to the van, gives it to his wife and she is gone in a flash, down the road to buy a tire iron. She is back in 15 minutes, we finish the job with a little sweat and cussing (stupid log was starting to give), and I am a very happy man. We are both filthy and sweaty. The wife produces a large water jug for us to wash our hands in. I tried to put a $20 in the man's hand but he wouldn't take it so I instead gave it to his wife as quietly as I could. I thanked them up one side and down the other. I asked the little girl where they lived, thinking maybe I could send them a gift for being so awesome. She says they live in Mexico. They are here so mommy and daddy can pick peaches for the next few weeks. After that they are going to pick cherries then go back home. She asks if I have had lunch and when I told her no she gave me a tamale from their cooler, the best fucking tamale I have ever had.

So, to clarify, a family that is undoubtedly poorer than you, me, and just about everyone else on that stretch of road, working on a seasonal basis where time is money, took an hour or two out of their day to help some strange dude on the side of the road when people in tow trucks were just passing me by. Wow...

But we aren't done yet. I thank them again and walk back to my car and open the foil on the tamale cause I am starving at this point and what do I find inside? My fucking $20 bill! I whirl around and run up to the van and the guy rolls his window down. He sees the $20 in my hand and just shaking his head no like he won't take it. All I can think to say is "Por Favor, Por Favor, Por Favor" with my hands out. Dude just smiles, shakes his head and, with what looked like great concentration, tried his hardest to speak to me in English:

"Today you.... tomorrow me."

Rolled up his window, drove away, his daughter waving to me in the rear view. I sat in my car eating the best fucking tamale of all time and I just cried. Like a little girl. It has been a rough year and nothing has broke my way. This was so out of left field I just couldn't deal.

In the 5 months since I have changed a couple of tires, given a few rides to gas stations and, once, went 50 miles out of my way to get a girl to an airport. I won't accept money. Every time I tell them the same thing when we are through:
"Today you.... tomorrow me."

tl;dr: long rambling story about how the kindness of strangers, particularly folks from south of the border, forced me to be more helpful on the road and in life in general. I am sure it won't be as meaningful to anyone else but it was seriously the highlight of my 2010."

source

Take some time to help someone. I am guilty of living in a bubble and inaction when so many times I could have. I hope today is a change from that behavior. Karma, paying it forward, the golden rule... call it whatever you want - hoy por ti mañana por mi.

-GFE

Of Broken things and broken hearts

Dear Alex,

There will come a time when someone will break your heart. It will feel like one of the worst experiences in your life - as if they had reached into your chest and pulled out your still beating heart. Then stomped on it for a bit. You get the idea. But all is not lost, no. Life will go on and so must you. So some advice if you'd like: Rely on your friends, they will help you take your mind and your heart of the offender and the healing pieces of your heart and soul. Be kind and take your time. This is just one of those things that you can't fix immediately. Don't dwell on it, remember those sayings? "Plenty of fish in the sea", "it wasn't meant to be", "yadda yadda yadda". Listen to music and make playlists (if those still exist).  It will get better, I promise.

And then there will be a time when you will break someone's heart. You will be the offender and do the same to someone else. Don't be reckless with other people's feelings. Remember the part above? Be responsible with feelings. Though sometimes try and try as we might, things don't add up and they don't turn out the way we want. All your efforts may be undone, but don't give up.

Remember this:

sonder

n. the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own—populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries and inherited craziness—an epic story that continues invisibly around you like an anthill sprawling deep underground, with elaborate passageways to thousands of other lives that you’ll never know existed, in which you might appear only once, as an extra sipping coffee in the background, as a blur of traffic passing on the highway, as a lighted window at dusk.

Safety First, Adventure Second

Dear Alex,

Be bold. Don't be afraid to take chances because as trite and obvious as it is, you need to take chances, you need to gamble in life. Playing it safe is formulaic, predictable, and a sure fire way to die from a gunshot wound to your face.

Gamble with your heart and your feelings more than with anything else, because hearts heal and time softens the open wounds of lost love and "wasn't-meant-to-be's".

-GFE

Don't give up

Dear Alex,

As you grow up, you will fail. At something. There will be many, but as anything worth doing, you shouldn't give up.

Here are some reasons by people much more accomplished:

Winston Churchill failed sixth grade. He was subsequently defeated in every election for public office until he became Prime Minister at the age of 62. He later wrote, “Never give in, never give in, never, never, never, never -in nothing, great or small, large or petty – never give in except to convictions of honor and good sense. Never, Never, Never, Never give up.”

"Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure... than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat." - FDR

"Do not fear mistakes. You will know failure. Continue to reach out." - Ben Fraklin

Just as with life, love, work, and everything in between - don't give up.

-GFE.

What's this?

Dear Alex,

I want to keep these letters to going as an ongoing part of my life and hopefully something that you find mildly interesting. I've been alive about 30 years longer than you so hopefully that means I know a thing or two.

Who knows what will happen?

-GFE